It's Not Always Good to Be Nice

Why love requires more.

I remember as a boy that my mom often told me, “Be nice.” I realize that tells you a lot about the kind of child I was. Did you ever hear that from your mom? I bet you did, especially if you grew up with sisters.

What does “be nice” mean? Mom wasn’t addressing what I thought or felt. What she meant was – don’t express what you’re feeling if it’s likely to be angry or unkind. She didn’t want me to poison the home environment we all lived in by pouring out the crabbiness I felt in that moment.

Americans focus a great deal on being nice. We seek to be kind, tolerant, patient, considerate of others’ feelings, and compassionate. It seems to me that American Christians particularly focus on niceness. Maybe the broader cultural imperative to be nice is one of the remaining vestiges of Christian impact on our increasingly post-Christian society.

Kindness, tolerance, patience – all are good qualities.

But they’re not sufficient.

The sociologist Charles Murray makes a distinction between being nice and being good. Being good, according to Murray, “. . . involves living in the world so that you contribute to the welfare of your fellow human beings.”^[i]  To be good requires that a person grounds her thinking in wise principles and sound values, and also builds upon that foundation, training herself to express wise principles consistently through her behavior. Expressed another way: to be good means that you consistently express love through action. 

Being good is not always consistent with being nice. Sometimes being good requires that you act in a way that might offend, that might hurt another person’s feelings, or that risks damage to your own reputation. Sometimes seeking the best for others can disrupt a relationship. 

It’s natural to shy away from such confrontation.

I’ve learned over the years that most of the people I need to confront are people whom I love. It makes sense, though, doesn’t it? Because I’m close to them, I’m privy to a side of them that others don’t often see. Sometimes love compels me to challenge a friend or family member about something that I know will be painful for them to hear. All of us hate to hurt the people we love.

However, I believe that speaking the truth in love never harms the other person. Yes, sometimes it hurts, just as a body experiences pain when undergoing a surgical procedure. As with surgery, the pain may be necessary if health and wholeness are to be restored. Not everything that hurts us is harmful.

I dread situations where I may wound or offend someone I care about. Up to the very moment I begin such a conversation, I am hoping to find an excuse to avoid or postpone it. I’ve learned, though, that pain of that kind is irreducible. It doesn’t diminish when I procrastinate; instead, it compounds. And so, if I delay in speaking, it magnifies the pain that will be felt when the conversation is finally held.

If we are to be good rather than merely nice, our behavior must have a foundation in such virtues as courage, justice, and practical wisdom. Without them, you may be a nice person, but you will be more apt to wrong others. You will be good when it’s easy or when it's beneficial to you, yet selfish and self-protective when it isn’t. You won’t withstand the always-present pressure to act in a way that minimizes discomfort. 

It’s not always good to be nice. Sometimes love requires more.

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^[i] Charles Murray, The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Getting Ahead, p. 114.