What is Kindness?
No, really - I need to know. help.
One of the things that makes my church, Seacoast, a bit unique is that rather than one pastor who speaks almost every weekend, we have a teaching team who rotates. Our Lead Pastor, Josh Surratt, certainly could speak every weekend if he wanted to. But he sees value in the church hearing from several voices, not just his own. In addition to a variety of perspectives, this also enables us to have a lot of flexibility when we have to make last minute changes. For example, last week I was asked to fill an unexpected gap on March 2. We’re in a series on the fruits of the Spirit and I’m struggling a bit with my assignment: Kindness.
My joke to the teaching team was that, clearly, they wanted an outsider’s perspective on the topic. Their jokes were along the same lines. At least one person cackled to hear my topic. Did that hurt my feelings? Well, maybe if I had them it would have. As a somewhat socially awkward introvert, I think it’s fair to say that kindness isn’t one of my more dominant traits. I’m probably more of a “patience” or “self-control” guy. So, me teaching this message is kind of like asking Elon Musk to give a talk on how to be normal on the internet. I’m sure he’s capable of it, but he tends to choose otherwise.
My struggle as I prepare for this message is this: How do I teach about kindness without it feeling like a Kindergarten lesson? Everyone knows we’re supposed to be nice, but isn’t there more to kindness than being nice? What is it about kindness that makes it a marker of Christian living? What is kindness that led Paul to identify it in 1 Corinthians 13 as one of the two defining features of love itself, along with patience? If kindness is a trait that should flow naturally out of those who follow Jesus, then it helps to ask: What characterizes God’s kindness towards us?
Here’s an unfinished thought that occurred to me: Kindness is an outward act of love based on the needs of another person.
I think each part of that definition matters. Kindness must be outward, because a kind thought or intention kept to ourselves is useless. And, as noted above, 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that kindness and love are necessarily intertwined. But I think the last part of my definition might be the most important thing that makes kindness distinct from niceness, or politeness: An act of kindness is motivated by what someone needs.
Niceness is often shallow and can actually be motivated by selfishness. Politeness is often motivated by the desire to avoid conflict. These deliberately seek to avoid causing conflict or tension. Kindness, in contrast, is gentle and loving, but it is also willing to provoke if that is what the other person needs.
Now, I’ve known Christians who think their job is to “take a stand” on everything, because “people need to hear the truth!” The technical term for people like this is “jerk,” and no one likes them. Remember: kindness must be centered on what a particular person needs. The “take a stand” Christians say, “yes, people need to hear the truth!” They certainly do. But what they need most is to find God or become more like him. And how do we help them do that?
When God’s Spirit convicts us, it is the very definition of kindness. It is always true and rarely pleasant, but it is never shaming or intended to humiliate. Paul says in Romans 2:4, “God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance”. This does not mean that God is just really nice to us until we repent. I think it means that his kindness consists both of honestly confronting us with the truth, and patiently inviting us to respond. If he only did the second, we would never know we needed to repent. If he only did the first, we would angrily dig in our heels.
Kindness pays attention. It acts upon what it perceives. When a friend is discouraged, simple niceness might make them feel a bit better, but kindness asks what do they need? For some, a handwritten note would do wonders. Maybe they need to go grab lunch with a friend. Others might need an impromptu day off. Kindness seeks to serve that person with what they need in that moment.
In John 8:1-11 a group of religious leaders bring a woman caught in adultery to Jesus and say, “Now in the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” (1:5) After ignoring them initially, Jesus stands up and agrees about the judgment. He then adds, however, that only those who are not guilty can administer the punishment. It’s not clear whether “he who is without sin” meant without sin entirely, or whether Jesus meant “you cannot be guilty of the sin this woman is accused of.” In either case, one by one the men leave and the only one who can throw a stone at her chooses not to.
Jesus’s kindness to the woman is obvious: He does not minimize her sin, but neither does he participate in her shaming, and he finds a way to save her. Jesus is also kind, though, to the men in the crowd. Jesus confronts them with their sin too, but without shaming them, and he finds a way for them to avoid committing an even worse sin. Even if those men did not repent of their intentions, the kindness of Jesus led them to repent of their actions.
What is the kindness of God? It isn’t surface-level like niceness often is. It doesn’t seek to maintain the status quo like politeness or being diplomatic. It seeks for the welfare of another person by giving them what they most need, because kindness is always rooted in love.
Kindness isn't taught on very often by itself. I don't think I've ever heard it taught as the sole subject of a sermon. Your article made me laugh but also was quite convicting. Kindness as a fruit of the Spirit is obviously important but it has not always been emphasized as it should be as a fruit of the Spirit. The "Be Kind" campaign of recent years almost made me not want to be kind, sorry, as it was presented more as "be tolerant" of everything so it was misleading and frankly, annoying. I am looking forward to your teaching.
Jack, this is good and the definition you laid out is very helpful. The distinction you gave between kindness and niceness or politeness is clear and instructive. Just yesterday morning, on the way to drop off my girls at school I asked them, “what’s one way to be kind to someone today?” Your words will be helpful to me as I teach them and also helpful to my own soul. I never thought of Jesus’ kindness toward the religious leaders in that passage. Thanks for this!